London is a Freaky Place!
by horn-head
Summary: Sequel to You've Got Mail. Paige heads to England to teach for Dumbledore. But with Kate in Vegas, Sirius's drinking, Remus's sighing, and a demented pirate to worry about, was this really such a good idea?
1. Anklebiters and their Sexual Preference

**Author's notes: OMG, we _actually_ have a new story out! Sorry'bout that, took me forever to find time to type the chapter up. Full course load at college plus lots of other stuff does that to a girl. You can motivate me to get the next chapter out sooner by reviewing... lots.**

**Anywho, we don't own it (duh) and yada yada yada. You know, this is our disclaimer. We won't put it in again, but we're doing it now cuz we have to. Stupid rules, WE ALL KNOW THAT NONE OF US OWN THIS STUFF! Wish I did, I'd be out buying leftover Halloween costumes for really cheap right now.**

* * *

Paige walked up the path, overgrown weeds snagging her bulging luggage. Dropping one of the larger suitcases, she cursed and continued to the door.

With both hands full, she had no way of knocking, so she kicked the door. When no one answered, she growled and kicked again. "Fucking hell, Sirius! Open the Goddamn door before I blow it open," she yelled.

Frenzied footsteps could be heard inside and she sighed in relief. Something hit the door with a thump before it inched open and Moody's face appeared in the crack. He barked out, "Password!"

Paige sighed and snarled back, "I don't remember, let me in, Al!"

Moody didn't budge. "No, all Order members know the password. No one gets in unless they tell me. You have ten seconds to tell me what the password is before I hex you into the Stone Ages!" He turned suddenly and yelled behind him, "Sirius, that was my leg!"

A muffled voice answered him. "Well, I would've bit higher, but you're STANDING ON MY CHEST!"

Moody turned back to Paige and grudgingly let her in, but not before pointing menacingly at her and growling, "I warned you about those ankle biters!"

She shouldered past him, only to trip over Sirius. Letting out a string of curses, she got back up and waved behind her. "There's one more bag outside, I dropped it on my way in. Would you get it, Al?"

Moody left and Paige was enveloped in a hug. Allowing a small smile, she wrapped her arms around Sirius. "It's good to see you again."

He answered by hugging even harder and placing a wet kiss on her forehead. "I've got a bed all prepared for you, I reckoned you'd need it. Judging by your appearance, I'd say I was right. You look horrible."

Paige scowled at him. "Well, I spent eight hours flying from Vegas to New York, three hours in customs, sixteen hours flying to London, then another fours hours in customs here. To top all of that off, your ruddy cousin didn't pick me up like she was supposed to! Yes, I look horrible. I have an attitude to match, so watch it!"

Sirius put his hands up defensively and winked at Moody. "I meant no offense, luv." Grabbing her shoulders, he turned her towards the stairs. "A hot bath is all ready for you on the second floor, it'll be the third door on your left. Second door on your right is your room. Go, relax, get some sleep, and I'll give you the tour of the house tomorrow."

Paige smiled sleepily at him and waved goodnight to Moody before disappearing up the stairs. Sirius watched her go with a contented smile on his face before turning back to Moody. "It's good to see her again."

The Auror trained both eyes on him, critically evaluating his mental state. "Are you sure you want that one? She's difficult enough when she's happy, put her into a bad mood and she turns into a hellcat bent on castrating any man around!"

Sirius nodded. "I know, isn't it great?"

Moody shook his head and walked down to the kitchen, muttering things like, "Ankle-biters," and, "sexual preferences."

* * *

Paige woke the next morning, refreshed and cheerful. Sitting up, she noticed all of her luggage piled in a corner and smiled before getting ready for the day.

Making her way downstairs, she smiled again when she saw Sirius sleeping in a chair in the drawing room. Moving toward him, she bumped into a table, making a loud thump and the sleeping man stirred. A bottle fell out of his lap and clattered onto the floor, fully waking him. He sat up, bleary eyed and groggy, yawning out, "Mor-morning."

Leaning down, Paige picked up the bottle and examined it. "You have good taste, Sirius. Twenty-seven year old Poncet Black Merlot is hard to come by. Let's see, here's one empty bottle. From what Remus has said about your drinking habits, you'll have more than of these lying around. How many did you have?"

Sirius scowled at her and put a hand to his head. "I don't have to answer to you; my drinking habits are none of your business." Paige crossed her arms and arched an eyebrow, waiting for more bottles to appear. She spotted one in the chair and another in an urn on the mantle. Walking over to it, she picked it up and noticed water dripping off. Sirius, why is there water in this urn?"

He grunted before responding, "I needed an ice bucket. That's my mum's urn; keeping my wine chilled is the best thing she's ever done for me. Paige sighed and grabbed the last bottle from his lap. "Damn it, Sirius, why did you drink?"

He grimaced and rubbed his temples. "I needed the stress relief."

She snorted. "So, it takes three bottles of prime alcohol to relax you? That much could get Hagrid plastered, and you drank it to relieve some stress?"

Sirius stood up. "So what if I do? Remus is depressing, you were exhausted last night, and you'll be at Hogwarts the rest of the year; I have no one to talk to, and I can't go out. I can't even go see my own fucking godson because he thinks I'm dead! So what if alcohol makes me forget all of that?"

Paige narrowed her eyes and waved one of the bottles at him. "This will not help you, Sirius, this will just cause you more problems! Yes, you had a stressful day. Know what? It's called, 'life!' Get used to it! It's full of problems and things you'd rather not do, but that's no reason to go drowning your sorrows in this shit and leaving the rest for another day!"

He snarled back, "What do you know of my problems? You, a nice little witch with a perfect family and all of your friends are still alive!"

She stared at him for a moment before throwing a bottle at the wall, shattering it. She pointed at him, her fiery eyes betraying her calm expression. In a level voice, she responded, "You know _nothing_ of my so-called perfect life, Sirius Black. I know, however, that you can't just drink your fucking problems away and expect everything to turn out fine, no matter how much you would like to." Wiping away a tear in her eye, she walked out of the room.

* * *

Molly bustled into the kitchen and graced Paige with a small smile before turning to scowl at Sirius. "Couldn't you have at least dressed respectably for company?" she chided before sitting a plate in front of Paige. "Here you go, dear."

Remus quietly walked into the kitchen with a forlorn look on his face, not looking at any of the occupants. "Morning," he grunted, taking a seat by the window.

Molly leaned conspiratorially to Paige. "Poor man has been like that since he came back from America," she said in an exaggerated whisper before rolling her eyes at Sirius. "Not that you've been much help. He seems to be getting worse by the day."

Sirius snarled at the matron. "Molly, I can't bloody help him, can I? I'm not a witch, and even if I was, he wouldn't bugger me if I wanted him to."

Molly glared back at him. "I don't see what that has to do with anything," she huffed before turning to Remus. "Would you like anything, dear? Some tea or perhaps some toast?"

Remus shook his head and turned toward the window. "No, thank you, Molly. There's no point in it, is there? Nothing matters now. It's all just futile, isn't it?" he sighed. Molly glared at Sirius and left the kitchen and it's occupants to their breakfast.

Paige and Sirius picked at their food in silence, the only sounds in the room being the dripping faucet and an occasional sigh from Remus. After the third sigh of the morning, Sirius threw a piece of toast at him. "Just go wank off, already! I realize you miss her, but you are making my brain hurt!"

Paige smacked Sirius in the arm and quipped, "No, that's just the strain of actually thinking, Sirius!"

Remus removed the toast from his shoulder and dropped it on the floor before returning to his spot at the window, oblivious to Sirius's glare at Paige.

* * *

Remus staggered into the kitchen sometime after 2 a.m. to find Sirius drinking a bottle of Ogden's finest. Shrugging off his coat he sat by the fire.

"If you're going to sigh, please do it in another room," Sirius growled.

Remus glared at the Animagus. "Why don't you just shut it and pour me a glass?"

Sirius nodded numbly and did as he was told. "Since when do you drink?"

"Since it doesn't matter," Remus snapped back, taking a swig.

"Well," Sirius retorted, pushing another glass into Remus's outstretched hand, "since you're going to ask so nicely…."

He sat for a minute before continuing. "What do you have to be upset about, anyway? At least you get to leave this pit," he pouted and took a drink.

"Yes, I get to leave and run errands for Dumbledore. I just spent 10 hours trying to unsplinch Aberforth and a black Angora you call that job satisfaction? 'Cause I don't," Remus stated before slamming back the rest of his drink

Sirius cracked a smile. "Angora, like the sweater?"

Remus shuddered as he finished his second drink. "No, like the rabbit. Please, don't make me relive it."

Sirius chuckled at his friend and poured him another drink. "Come on, mate. You can't miss her that much."

Remus stared off into space for a moment, before answering. "I felt whole, Padfoot. Now, it feels like my heart is missing. I don't want to eat or sleep. Half the time, it feels as if I can't catch my breath."

Sirius snorted and shook his head. "Is that why you sigh so much, you silly wanker?"

Remus finished his third round and chuckled as the alcohol finally hit his system. "Not a bad idea. I'll be back," he stated with a slight slur.

* * *

**Author's note: We've left this one short, I know. Actually, it was supposed to be longer, I just liked leaving it off with Remus giong to wank. hehe. Anywho, next chapter is Paige's first class, Dumbledore introducing her and another of our characters -not Rowling's, but ours- to the students, and lots of other stuff. Review, and I'll update sooner. :p**


	2. Fire Pixies Aren't Toys!

**Authors' notes: Sorry it's taken so long, guys. Chalk it up to bad time management for me. (hornhead) I'm a stupid lazy wanker and I've been busy with other things. Well, this chapter is un-betaed (for now) 'cause my betas seem to have be taken by Voldemort. In any case, they aren't answering my emails, so this will get replaced if/when I hear from them.**

**Disclaimer: We had one of these last chapter, if it hasn't gotten through to you yet, I sincerely suggest you go back and reread it.**

Following a trail of bottles, Paige walked upstairs to the second floor landing. She stopped in front of a small bedroom. Cautiously, she pushed the door open to find the room littered in bottles.

"Lumos" she whispered illuminating the room. Sirius was curled around a pillow on one of the small beds. She turned to see a snoring and drooling portrait on the far wall across from him and under the portrait, Remus was petting a drawing of a naked woman.

"Remus, what are you doing?" Paige asked.

Remus continued to stroke the picture. "I love you, Kate. I love your little laugh. I love your smile. I love the way you take your tongue and …"

"Remus!" Paige snapped. "Why is there a naked picture of Kate on that wall?"

"Because if I had put it on that wall, Phinea…Pheneaus…Phinpenus…the stupid pureblood wanker could see and he is a complete letch. You know he married one his students." He replied before going back to stroking the picture.

Paige shook her head. "Why did you draw a naked picture of her in the first place?"

"Because…because…I love her…and I wanted to see her with her knickers off and Sirius said why don't you just draw a picture. So I did." He responded. "She's my Kate. My pretty Kate." He whispered before placing a kiss on the picture. He then leaned over and picked up a sock from the floor.

Sirius sat straight up in bed. "No! That is Harry's sock," he shouted.

"I was just picking it up." Remus replied defensively.

"Well, leave it alone. This is all Harry's and you shouldn't muck about. Everything should be as he left it." He slurred before lying back down.

Paige turned to the animagus. "Sirius, are you drunk?"

Sirius pulled a pillow over his head. "Maybe."

Paige walked over and pulled the pillow away from him. "Damn it, Sirius! I came here to keep you company."

Sirius sat up. "Great! We'll leave Remus and Harry's sock and go over to my room."

Remus threw the sock at Sirius. "For the last time, I wasn't going to defile Harry's sock," he whined.

Sirius threw the sock back at him. "No, you already have, Moony. You pervy bastard."

Remus stood up and staggered towards the bed. "Listen, here. You have….I have…No Harry socks have been defiled by me. Every sock, handkerchief, and wash cloth I have used in the past month has been mine. Unlike some people."

Sirius glared at Remus. "I have never used another man's sock."

Remus took a wobbling side step. "Really? What about the lime green and pink checkered pair that said I heart Muggles? I don't remember you buying those."

Sirius pulled the pillow to his chest. "They were a present…Anyway, I don't know why the hell you are so randy all the time. It's like living with a teenager."

"What do you know? Do you know how long it has been since I have had sex? It's been five minutes. Five minutes, Sirius, some of us can't live at that speed anymore." Remus said his voice cracking slightly.

Paige cast a confused look at the werewolf. "Five minutes?"

"Yes, Paige. Five minutes, stop rubbing it in." Remus snapped before staggering over to the bookshelf.

Paige took a step back from Sirius. "Okay, I really thought you two didn't swing that way."

Remus looked perplexed. "Oh, sorry about that. I forgot to add the days and hours. It has been forty days, sixteen hours, and five minutes." He paused to check his watch. "Wait, make that eight minutes." He then went back to looking through the books on the shelf.

"Right" Paige replied before turning back to the animagus. "Sirius, I showed up tonight to keep you company to keep you from drinking."

"Too Late" Remus called over his shoulder.

"Leave me alone!" Sirius yelled at no one in particular.

Paige huffed and put her hands on hips. "Fine!" she snapped and turned towards the door. "Now you both can be horny and alone." She shouted as she slammed the door behind her.

"HA! I'm too drink to be horny!" Sirius shouted at the door.

Remus scratched his head and looked at Sirius. "Drink?"

Sirius shook his head. "Drunk."

"Obliviously." Remus replied before passing out on the floor.

* * *

Paige sat at her desk, not paying attention to the students filing in until it was time for class to start. Getting up, she smiled at them. "Good morning, I'm Miss Pierce and I will be your Defense Against the Dark Arts professor for the rest of the year."

One of the Hufflepuff students leaned to a friend and stage-whispered, "Looks a bit young to be teaching us, doesn't she?"

Paige raised an eyebrow and smiled. Glancing at the seating chart, she responded, "Thank you Mr… Macmillan, you've brought up a very good point. Never judge a person's capabilities just by the way they look; you'll often find you were wrong at a very inopportune moment.

"Now, I'll tell you a bit about me. My name is Paige Pierce; I'm fully trained in Dark Arts Security. I have specialized in lycanthropy, but I'm just as proficient in vampirism, necromancy, and elemental magicks. For these subjects, I have trained under the best of the best: Alastor Moody, Lee Sung Mai, and Magda Indrei. Any more questions?"

A Gryffindor raised her hand. "Professor, if it's not too personal, are you a muggleborn?"

Paige smiled at her and shook her head. "Not that it matters, but no. I am a pureblood. In fact, I'm related to the Montgomerys."

She went around the desk and sat on it. Smiling, she commented, "No, I will _not_ be teaching you necromancy or elemental magic this year. Those are both extremely advanced, and not for the weak-stomached. Any other questions before we go on?"

Harry raised his hand. "Professor, what can you do with elemental magic, exactly?"

She shrugged. "Eh, two things, really. One, you can tap directly into the power of whatever element you want." An iridescent ball of light appeared in her hand, which she tossed to Neville. "Exhausting, but occasionally necessary and always impressive. Two, you can converse with and occasionally control creatures that deal with the elements. For example, I could make an unintelligent dragon break dance if I wanted to."

Ron sniggered and spoke up. "I thought Charlie was lying when he said you did that." The whole class chuckled and Paige winked before pointing to a chart on the wall.

"Alright, it's been fun talking, but now we need to work." She smiled at their puzzled expressions. "I have a handout for all of you with this information; I suggest you hang onto it as you'll find it useful someday."

Ron raised a hand and tried to hide a smile. "Erm, Paige-I mean Professor, Lockhart taught us about pixies in second year."

Paige grinned. "From what I heard, he set a horde of Cornish Pixies on his classroom and couldn't figure out how to get rid of them. What I'll be showing you today is much more dangerous than any old Cornish Pixie." She reached into her pocket and puled out a small vial. A light was buzzing around inside, seeming to grow brighter when the kids focused their attention on it. A few kids in class gasped and Paige indulged them with a smile. "Who can tell me what this is?"

She glanced around the classroom and noticed the confused glances being passed back and forth. "Alright, Mr. Longbottom, please come here." Neville hesitantly made his way to the front of the classroom and stood nervously in front of her. "Describe what you see to the class, please."

He gave her a quick look before stating in a wavering voice, "Erm, it's kind of an oblong light, which seems to be some sort of fairy, or maybe a pixie."

Paige nodded. "Right, so it's maybe a fairy or pixie that lights up. Just by looking at it, tell me if it's dangerous."

Neville shrugged. "I dunno, Miss-I mean Ma'am, erm, Professor! I uh- it's hard to tell. Probably?" Paige raised an eyebrow at him and he stammered on. "Well, you have it in this class, so it probably is?" His voice got higher and higher and finally came out in a squeak at the end.

Paige grinned and waved him back to his seat. Turning around, he stumbled over her leg, jarring her and sending the vial to the floor. She froze when the glass broke; her only thought how to get the kids out of the room. "Alright, kids, this is a fire pixie that just got lose in the room. Who can tell me how to capture it?" She asked, hoping beyond hope that at least one of the kids in the class would know. This particular pixie was following Kate around and was subdued enough when she caught it that she only had to put a drop of honey in the bottom of the cage and the pixie flew right in to eat.

This situation, however, she was a bit fuzzy about, as she had only a fuzzy recollection of what to do with a fully-grown, angry fire pixie. Racking her brain, she let out an expletive when the pixie bolted around the classroom, lighting several pictures on fire and burning up the heavy draperies over the windows. Burning fabric hit the ground and several students scampered away from the walls, afraid to be under anything that the pixie could ignite next.

Suddenly, one of the students stood on a desk, a girl with bushy brown hair, and whistled. Two boys tried to pull her down, Paige recognized Harry as one of them from Sirius's photos, but were unsuccessful and she slapped their hands away. The pixie raced over to her and began making cooing noises; an abrupt change of tone coming over it as it recognized her intelligence.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Paige slowly stood. "Alright, everyone, stand still, don't talk, and we'll get this little guy put away. Hermione, right? Ok, talk to it and get it to sit on your hand while I get another jar. Will you be alright with that?" The girl nodded and held out her hand, smiling at Paige.

Turning to her desk, Paige opened a drawer and pulled out one of the biggest jars, unsure of getting a smaller one considering the pixie's recent experience. She froze when she heard feet shuffling and looked back to see Harry inching closer to his friend. Cursing his inability to listen and her own stupidity, Paige heard him say, "Professor, I don't think…"

She maintained an even tone, but cut in with, "No, you're obviously not doing that, Mr. Potter. I told you to stay still and not talk, and now you're doing both of those. Since the pixie isn't getting angry, you obviously have a brain in your head, but are choosing not to use it at the moment. Pixies of all kinds, but especially fire pixies, hate stupidity. Be quiet and still now, before I really begin to believe that you are a complete moron; and please consider the fact that this pixie could kill you before I could reach you, alright?" He froze and took on a pouting expression; Paige knew teachers weren't supposed to talk like that to students, but was more concerned with keeping him alive for the moment rather than happy.

Walking back to Hermione, who now had the pixie sitting contentedly in her palm, she guided her through placing it in the jar and putting the lid on. Slumping back on her desk, she placed a hand over her eyes and said, "Alright, class dismissed. Read the chapter in you book on household pests and turn in two feet of parchment next week on your choice of a living thing that is more harmful than appears at first glance. Be sure to tell me why you picked it and what the harmful effects of it. No, you cannot choose the fire pixie, as we've just had a live demonstration. Class dismissed." Pausing for a moment, she remembered something. "Oh, Mr Potter, I'd like to have a word with you."

Harry turned around, waiting in sullen silence for the rest of the class to filter out. When they did he said, "Yeah?" Paige stared at him for a moment and he corrected himself. "Yes, Professor?"

Paige shuffled some papers on her desk and sighed. "Harry, when I tell the class something, especially in a dangerous situation such as what we just had, I expect everyone to listen and do as they're told. That means everyone; that was no time for you to start playing hero. I don't expect there will be a next time, but I _will_ expect you to behave accordingly if such a situation comes up again."

Harry grunted and responded, "You mean the next time you unleash a creature in class that could kill all of us before you can get to it, or just the next time you put one of my friends in mortal danger, Professor? Because I certainly won't stand by and let your foolishness kill my friends, or anyone else for that matter."

Paige glared at him. "That is out of line, Mr. Potter. Do not think that because I am new you can get away with such talk; I can and will reprimand anyone who speaks in such a way to me, wonder of the Wizarding world or not. Detention with Mr Filch on Friday, don't be late."

Harry stiffened. "I have Quidditch practice on Friday."

Paige gave him a fake smile. "Well, then you'll just have to hope that he doesn't keep you too late. I will not change my mind now. And just to clarify what you perceived to be dangerous to your friend, Hermione is the most intelligent witch in this school, Fire Pixies are attracted to intelligence. With its attention on such a bright young witch, it was more than placated. I suggest actually reading the books you are given, especially if you ever hope to become an Auror."

Harry frowned at her. "If I hope to become an Auror? Who told you I want to do that?"

"It is correct, isn't it? I was told so by a reputable source and I'd hate to think he got it wrong." Harry gave her a blank look and she shrugged. "Well, I've personally gone through the Auror training, as I stated before, and I can tell you that you will need to read every book on the subject you can find. Not to mention the fact that people like Alistor Moody do _not_ put up with their students blatantly disregarding orders. You might want to pay a little more attention to the teacher in this class and a little less to your friends."

Harry sputtered for a moment and Paige pressed on. "Did Miss Granger give you any indication that she was distressed? Was she afraid for herself at all? Then obey your teacher rather than your own instincts. When you've learned more you can go off of what you gut tells you, but for now listen to the people who actually know what they're doing, alright Mr. Potter? Fine, then I suggest you hurry to get to your next class. Good day." Without waiting for a reply, Paige walked up the stairs into her office and shut the door. Flopping down in her chair, she let out a gush of air and buried her face in her hands.

* * *

Paige shuffled uneasily under Dumbledore's implacable gaze. She had lasted all of two minutes into her second class before losing her temper and her mind and now she was going to find out just how dearly she was going to pay for it.

"So, Miss Pierce, what made you decide to treat Mr. Malfoy so roughly?" the old wizard asked.

Paige shuffled her feet and felt her face heat up. "Um, I don't know exactly. I guess I was just having a rather stressful morning."

Dumbledore nodded, his features not showing the slightest anger or sympathy towards her. "And so you thought it was proper to take it out on a defenseless student? Miss Pierce, I'm-"

"Look, I won't do it again, okay? I've already apologized to Draco and received his forgiveness. I'm sorry, it was my first day teaching and I just snapped. It won't happen again." Paige felt the frustration and annoyance bubbling up inside her again and quickly pushed it back down; this was no time to be anything but calm and remorseful.

Dumbledore sighed and uncharacteristically slumped back into his chair. "Never the less, Miss Pierce, you knowingly and physically harmed a student. I'm beginning to wonder if employing you at this school was really necessary."

Paige looked at him dumbfounded for a moment before forgetting herself and exploding. "WHAT! I fucking left my job for you! I came to this godforsaken school to teach a bunch of damn rugrats how to wave their wands, all because YOU couldn't pay anyone else enough to take the fucking position!"

Dumbledore gave her a placating smile and responded, "Now calm down, Miss Pierce, yelling will get you nowhere. For the record, you were hired because Alistor Moody recommended you, not as a last resort."

Paige smiled triumphantly at him. "Oh yeah? Twenty-six professors have gone through this position already. _Twenty-six_! I know for a fact that everyone thinks the position is jinxed, and I'm beginning to believe it myself. You couldn't get anyone else, Albus; don't try to convince me otherwise. I'm doing you a favor by being here."

Dumbledore was silent for a moment; it seemed as if she struck a nerve. When he finally spoke, it was in a far cheerier voice than Paige expected. "It appears that the only favor I'm doing is getting you to remove yourself from your position in America, Miss Pierce. Given your volatile mental state, I'm surprised you were ever allowed around children at all."

Paige snorted and rolled her eyes. "I don't think you're one to talk, considering your family's history of beastiality. Incidentally, how are Aberforth and his nanny doing these days? Have they had any kids yet?" she bit back at him.

"My family's shortcomings are not in question. What is in question is your apparent inability to teach some harmless adolescents-"

"Harmless?" Paige shouted. "Ha! Those kids aren't harmless, they're monsters!"

Dumbledore made a face that reminded Paige of Ruthie eating a lemon. "Really, Miss Pierce, you should show them more respect; that is the case for everything. Professors do not harm their students."

Paige huffed and ran a hand through her hair. "It's Malfoy! You can't tell me you've never been tempted to hurt the little git."

"No, I have not. Refrain from calling him names, Miss Pierce."

She smirked back at him and smiled. "Well that's certainly a shame because I know all of the other teachers have. That stupid little wanker would kill you if he had the chance, not that I blame him."

Dumbledore, it seemed, had finally lost his patience. He stood suddenly, his chair flying back and hitting Fawkes's cage. "That is quite enough! I've put up with your insults tonight, hoping to counsel you into being a better professor. I can see now that that is not going to happen. You have two weeks to improve your attitude, Professor, or you're fired!"

Paige sighed and shook her head. Turning to leave she spoke over her shoulder as she walked out the door. "Fuck that, I quit."

**Authors' Notes: I promise not to take so long updating, folks, but it wouldn't hurt to get lots of reviews to convince me! REVIEW!**

**Padfoots Love: We're back, too! Yep, another sequel. This one will be the last, though it'll be longer than (I think) Vegas is a Scary Place. Kate's currently doing lots of stuff in Vegas, like keeping Clayton out of trouble. If and when she goes to London, please don't bounce out of your seat with joy, it'll lead to some costly surgery on bronken bones and I'll be forced to start calling you Tonks because of your clumsiness. :p**

**Letisha: Yep, poor Remmie... literally. No, I won't bring Kate back to him because he's being a stupid wanker and getting Sirius to drink. _Down Paige! _Stupid bitch, she stole my computer. I've got it back now, I promised her a good looking guy is in the other room waiting for her. It's my kitty and I hear her cussing now. Uh oh.**

**Jen: WHERE ARE YOU! Anyhoo, yep, three things are in focus. Two of which are bigger subplots, one minor... though it will come into play as the story goes on. And there is the question of Sirius and Paige being a couple or not, huh? hehehe You'll see what happens! Yeah, I left of with Remus wanking. I thought it was a good place to end, plus I didn't want to type anymore that day. O.o Jen's tryin' to pick up on Kate's man! I don't think she'll like that...**

**Anywho, I have to give credit for the "drink? Drunk! Obviously." thing to Mike and John. Two absolutely hilarious people. Mike was the drunk one, and it's been modified to fit into the story. Mike was originally, "too drink to drum!" He doesn't know I took it, but he doesn't read fanfic and would look at me like I'm crazy if I tried to explain. (You know the look, guys.)**

**Alright, now it's time for all the nice girls and boys to GO REVIEW!**


	3. The Deal

**AN: Well, here we are, people. Sorry it's tken me so long to update this. It's entirely my fault, as I've had the papers to type it all up for the last month or two. Give me a little bit of a break, though, as I've been spending the summer getting my house clean. (It's like trying to empty the ocean with a bucket, btw, I've conceded temporarily to get this out to you!) Anyway, this chapter is a bunch of dialogue, the next one will be more action. Enjoy, and review!**

**Chapter 3: Knickers and Broomsticks**

Paige burst through the door of the library to find Kate dressed in a high-collared, solid black gown and chatting demurely with one of the manor ghosts.

"Really, Ms. Gardener. Existence is much less complicated without all of those pesky glands and bodily functions. I'm sure you'd be much happier…" he said with a lecherous grin.

"Shut it, Casper," Paige snapped. "Kate's taken by someone who can still get a stiffie."

The ghost straightened and turned a cool gaze to her. "I would respond to that, Madame, but there is a lady present," he said in a genteel manner and nodded to Kate. Bowing to her, he walked through the adjacent wall with a sniff.

Kate sighed and adjusted her bun. "Was that really necessary, Paige? Edmund is really very nice, and you know he hates to be called Casper. Wait a minute, why aren't you in Scotland?"

Paige flopped down in a chair. "I quit. Dumbledore doesn't like my teaching style."

Kate gasped. "What do you mean, you quit!"

Yawning, Paige shrugged. "I was a bit rough with one of the students and Dumbledore insulted me."

Kate quirked an eyebrow. "Bit rough as in you harmed a student, or a bit rough as in that time with Tim from the office and a whip?"

Paige gave her a disgusted look, but a bit of a smile showed through. "We've already been over that one. Sexual situations involving co-workers and BDSM don't count on national holidays."

Sighing, Kate shook her head. "What happened, then?"

"Well, Tim came in wearing a harness and carrying a paddle…" Paige started, a mischievous grin on her face.

"NO, Paige… the school! What happened at the school?" Kate blurted out as she turned bright pink.

"Oh, but I like the turkey stuffing story! Fine you want to hear the one about the teacher I dated and the locker room?" Kate gave her a withering glance and cleared her throat. Slumping into the chair, Paige crossed her arms. "Fine, spoilsport, I'll save that story for another time. Ferretboy made fun of Remus so I taught him a lesson."

Disapproval was written all over Kate's face and Paige knew she was in for a lecture. "Though it was nice of you to protect… Remus… it is not very nice to make fun of circus people. I mean, I'm sure life isn't easy being ferret-like and maybe he wasn't…"

Paige burst out laughing, and laughed even harder when she noticed how confused Kate was. "Kate, its Draco Malfoy! He looks like a ferret."

"Really, Paige, you're supposed to be a teacher, not the class bully," Kate scolded before pulling her legs up on the chair.

Paige widened her eyes, pretending innocence. "But I was teaching him! I taught him that it isn't nice to make fun of people," she protested, looking about the room. "You know, I think we should wallpaper this room in ducks. Rose would love it."

Kate gave an exasperated sigh. "Kindly stay on topic. What did you do to your student?"

"I scratched him," Paige replied nonchalantly, examining her fingernails.

Kate gave her an alarmed look. "Pixie scratch, or human?"

"Pixie scratched deeper; remember what Jack says, 'More damage, more fun,'"

Kate sighed. "Is that all you did?"

Paige shrugged. "I told Dumbledore to go fuck himself after I quit. And don't give me that look, you have wanted to tell him that every day since Remus left!"

Kate let out a small sob. "You should have been a bigger person than that, Paige."

"I wonder what the height requirement is?" Paige asked flippantly before the floo connection lit up.

"Pierce, have you lost all your senses? Never keep a floo connection open, you know that! I could have sucked your soul out your…"

She grinned at him and interrupted. "You have already been accused of that one; I wouldn't fan those flames if I were you." She yawned. "Besides, no one else really knows where I'd go but you and Sirius."

Kate cleared her throat, unwilling to think of Moody sucking anything out of anybody. "Paige, perhaps you should speak with Dumbledore about getting your job back, at least until Christmas. The children are vulnerable without a full staff," she tried rationally.

"Then you go work there," Paige shot back.

Kate leapt off her chair and stood in front of Paige, hands on her hips. "I would but you forget one minor detail. I'm a werewolf," Kate growled. "And if you've managed to forget in the few days you've been in England, werewolves have a hard time getting into the UK and generally aren't welcomed as teachers. Otherwise I would work there; so kindly pull your over-privileged head out of your ass and look out for someone else for a change!"

Momentary shock came over Paige's features, but twisted into a grimace. "I am thinking about the students, Kate. You're looking at a woman who just raked four claws over a student's face and probably scarred him for life, just for making fun of a friend. I yelled at a student for no reason. And I released a fire pixie into a classroom full of sixth years. Trust me, the students are safer without me."

Moody let out a low chuckle from the fireplace. "Is that all? The two years I taught I lit two students on fire, accidentally released a banshee, and turned Teddy Knot into a burro!"

Paige frowned. "You can't turn a jackass into a burro, it's redundant," she pouted.

"Aye, but it makes branding the word wanker on their arse easier," Moody replied with a dark laugh.

Kate gave her a hopeful smile and said, "See, it could have been much worse."

Paige snorted and shook her head. "So, after I told you what I did you're still telling me to go back?" she asked.

"Did you mean to release the fire pixie?" Kate asked.

"No," Paige pouted.

"And did the student you yelled at do something stupid?" Kate continued.

"Kinda," Paige replied and rolled her eyes.

"Is there anyone else to teach the class?" Kate asked finally.

Paige brightened. "Remus! He's smart and great with kids."

Kate broke into sobs at this. "Yes, Remus would be great, wouldn't he? He's really good with kids and he would love it. And… um…" Her voice broke and she cried so hard she couldn't continue.

"There's a tissue in Pierce's pocket if you need one," Moody said helpfully.

Paige jumped. "Hey! I warned you about that, old man!"

Moody leered at her and continued, "Nice knickers, Pierce, though why your mum wrote Calvin Kline in them I'll never know."

"I said knock it off, Al," Paige growled.

He wouldn't be deterred. "Your friend's aren't bad, either. I rather fancy black lace," he said with a wink.

Kate snapped out of her melancholy. "What?"

"I said I like your knickers, pet. Bra's not bad, either, though you might look better in a corset," he said lecherously and took a step back as Paige dived through the floo connection and knocked him to the floor.

She slammed him into the ground. "You stupid, pervy cyclops, stop looking at my friend!" She turned to see a very surprised Molly standing next to the fireplace and smiled. "Hello Molly. Do I smell pie?"

"N-no," Molly stuttered back. "I haven't made pie today."

Paige frowned. "Pity, I like pie. The only thing I like more than pie is making pervy old men eat hardwood floor for ogling my friend," she growled before slamming Moody into the floor again.

"Now dear, you mustn't upset yourself. You know, Bill and Charlie are here. Perhaps your friend would like to come over as well, American girls seem better mannered than some others," Molly said, glaring at the door.

"No thanks, I can take them by myself," she quipped back.

A strangled chuckle escaped from Moody. "Always the team player, aren't you Pierce?"

Paige took her hand from his throat and twisted his arm. "You're just mad because I can actually get some," she replied.

"I don't know, I might be able to catch a ride on the merry widow. It's only 100 galleons to transport a mistress classified as a magical creature into the country," he retorted. Paige picked him up by the shirt and slammed him into the ground again.

"So that's how the little frog got in," Molly grumbled. "I figured she slept with somebody high up."

Moody gasped as Paige's knee dug into his stomach. "What are you going to do now, Pierce? Beat me to death with a wooden floor?" he quipped.

Paige froze, a gleam of revenge in her eye. "No, I'm going to go tell Remus," she said before getting up and running out of the room.

Moody got off the floor with a groan. "The next time you and Arthur want someone to get her to do something, Molly, don't ask me. I don't know of any way to get her to do anything other than making her angry."

Molly brought him a glass of firewhiskey. "Oh, surely you could have ended that little tussle on the floor if you had wanted to."

Moody took a long pull off the glass before replying. "If I had done that, her pride would have been hurt and no one could have gotten her to come back here again. That means I'd end up teaching. Besides, I think she's good for Black."

Molly hummed speculatively and went back to her cleaning. "Well, I suppose. You know, she and Charlie were together for about a year. I've never known a woman that could make him as happy as she did."

Moody laughed. "Molly, Charlie's surrounded by women, that will make any man happy."

Molly straightened as they heard a shout from upstairs. "Shouldn't you be going up there to explain yourself to Remus?"

Moody shrugged. "You let him know what I was doing, right?" Molly shook her head and he grimaced. "I'll just be leaving. Kindly explain things to him when he calms down, will you Molly?" he said before leaving without waiting for a reply.

* * *

Paige ambled through Grimmauld Place, trying to decide what to do. On the one hand, the school would have a better defense with a full staff… but that also meant that she would have to go back and apologize to Ferret-boy. She didn't feel comfortable with the idea of having to admit she did anything wrong to a kid, but then she also felt guilty about leaving the other kids with less of a defense. Whether she went back or not, it was a no-win situation.

Grumbling to herself, she passed by Mrs. Black's portrait and started up the stairs. As she went, she took all of the elf heads hung on the walls and decided they'd make great pranks for Remus, Sirius, Kate, and most especially Moody to find in their beds the next morning when they woke up. Giggling, she Vanished them and made a mental note to get this particular prank done the very next time said victims went to sleep.

This thought cheered her up and she went to Remus's room to see if he had a letter for Kate. Walking in, she heard him grumbling. "Stupid fucking Dumbledore," he growled as he shoved a sheaf of papers into his briefcase.

"I would advise against that; Minerva told me that it isn't much fun," she chirped.

Remus glared at her for a moment before sighing and resuming packing. "Oh, I don't know, there is a place that I wouldn't mind jabbing a broom. Unfortunately, his head is in the way so I doubt it would fit!"

Paige winced at the force he used to slam his luggage shut. "I've heard about guys like you, even dated a few. I advise against using a broom, you can never get the smell off and it leaves splinters. St. Mungo's gets a bit titchy about removing them for you after a while," she said cheerfully.

Remus continued packing, deciding not to comment on her knowledge of broom handles and their uses. "Not my preference, thank the gods. Can you please hand me that?" he asked briskly.

Paige handed him a shoebox and noted the amount of packing he was doing with a bit of confusion. "Being sent on a mission?"

"No, I've resigned. I'm going to America and marrying Kate. Dumbledore can go fuck himself with as many brooms as he would like," he replied curtly as he shoved the box into a suitcase.

Remus pushed past Paige and she grabbed his arm. "Umm… no."

He tugged his arm out of her grip and shot back, "Umm… yes. I am miserable, Paige. From her letters, I can see that Kate isn't fairing much better. I'm leaving. I'm going home." He closed the last suitcase and checked under the bed.

Paige put her hands on her hips and took a step towards him. "What about Harry and Sirius?"

Remus glanced at her and began gathering his luggage. "Well, the last time I checked, you had Sirius well in hand and as far as Harry goes," he paused, "Scrying mirrors are beautiful things," he finished as he moved to leave the room.

Paige closed the door and replied, "You know as well as I do that seeing someone in person is a lot better. And you also know that Sirius isn't in hand at all. I can't even get him to stop drinking for one night."

"He didn't drink last… he didn't drink his first night back," Remus said and took another step towards the door.

Paige moved, firmly planting herself in front of the door. "That's because you don't have any alcohol in your house."

"Dammit Paige! It's killing me to stay here. I look and feel like hell and I very much doubt that Kate is doing any better than I am!"

Paige sighed and gave him a pained expression. "She looks fine. Well, she's crying a bit more than usual, and she keeps wearing the oddest clothes, but I've been trying to get her into fashion since we met. Right now we're working on the portal and as soon as that is done you two can be together until you're sick of each other, and then some."

Remus sat on the bed, recognizing defeat. "Are you staying, then?"

"I don't have a reason to," Paige said matter-of-factly.

"You do, actually. You have a class at 1:30 tomorrow," Remus replied brightly.

Paige slumped against the door. "Yeah, for three days," she grumbled with resignation.

Remus looked at his luggage with regret and said, "Look, I'll make a deal with you. Until the portal is complete, I will stay in England as long as you do."

Paige gave him a measuring look. "Do I have to teach the whole time I'm here?"

Remus shook his head and smiled. "Three days tops. After that, you could cancel classes for the holidays," he answered philosophically. "And you would still need to visit periodically so I could get letters to Kate and so somebody keeps an eye on her.

Paige considered for a moment before shrugging. "Sounds fair enough," she replied as Moody walked into the room.

"Pierce, don't you ever quit talking?" he snapped.

"Speaking of people keeping their eye on Kate…" Paige began with a grin.

**AN: Wow, I've noticed we have two new readers. Awesome! I love you both already:p that brings our total up to three reviews for last chapter, pretty pitiful, but we have only ourselves to blame. The next chapter is sitting next to my desk, waiting for me to type it, so I'll get it out soon with only minimal cleaning done at my house. (Gotta at least do a little bit, or the monster under my bed will find an even better home in the mountain of dirty clothes… it's closer to the kitchen full of dirty dishes where he gets his food!) Anyway…**

**Letisha: Remmy will get love, either from the sock under his mattress, a book in the library, or Kate, you'll have to find out. Thanks for stickin' with us, even through the long periods of silence!**

**Glass Broomsticks: Interesting name… did you choose it because glass conducts heat better than wood, and the lack of splinters? NO! MUST STOP CHANNELING PAIGE! Gah! Sorry 'bout that. g Glad to have a new reviewer. As I said, we love you already. The info on penises was researched by Prof, so it's accurate and real. Yeah, she actually spent time getting the info just because of a review we got… shows how much we pay attention to our reviewers! **

**Gaby: I love you! You like my character! Hehe. Yeah, Paige is confusing, that's just me coming out in my character. Sirius WILL end up quitting drinking, it starts in the next couple chapters, actually. We'll try to make it funny in parts, but there's not much humor in coming down off of alcohol of any sort. I'm not looking forward to writing that stuff, we're having fun writing drunk-Sirius:( **

**Anywho… yall have my permission to email and badger me until the next chapter is out. I'm hoping for a week, maybe two. (You can email me from my profile, if ya didn't know) Now, review!**

**Hornhead**


	4. You're a Wanker!

The sixth year Gryffindor and Ravenclaw DADA class sat at attention, waiting for Professor Pierce to arrive.

Harry glared at the front of the class. They were supposed to have started fifteen minutes ago and the stupid chit still hadn't shown. "And I'm irresponsible," he snorted sarcastically.

"What's that, Harry?" Ron asked, looking up from his Quidditch magazine.

"I said…" Harry started just as the door to the classroom opened and Remus Lupin stepped into the room. The class sat in awed silence as he walked in.

Remus swallowed hard. "Maybe this wasn't such a good idea," he though as he looked at the stunned faces of the class. Clearing his throat, he gave a weary smile and said, "Sorry I'm late. There was a little confusion about the class's location."

The room stayed quiet for what felt like an eternity. The shockwave that had washed over the class dissipated as Seamus Finnegan started to clap and was quickly followed by Hermione, Neville, and the Patel sisters. Soon the whole class was on their feet, cheering the return of their favorite professor.

Remus gave the class a huge smile and covertly wiped a tear from the corner of his eye. Quickly gathering his wits, he raised his hands to settle the class. "Quiet down, children. Now, can anyone tell me what has been covered so far?"

Unsurprisingly, Hermione raised her hand.

Remus nodded in her direction. "Yes, Miss Granger?"

"Last class, Professor Pierce was teaching us about fire pixies," she said helpfully. Reconsidering, she added, "Well, she tried to, at least."

"More like trying to kill us with the little buggers," Harry quietly grumbled.

"Harry," Ron and Hermione hissed in unison.

"What?!" Harry snapped at his friends before looking directly at Lupin. "She was a menace, Professor! She endangered us all!"

Remus frowned. "Harry, that's enough."

Harry paid him no heed. "She released a fire pixie in the classroom! She is completely mental!"

Paige cleared her throat, causing Harry to look towards the door. "I couldn't agree more," she said with a laugh.

Harry's eyes grew wide. "What are you doing here?" he asked the American professor.

She smiled. "Making you feel uncomfortable, of course. Don't worry, I'm taking a page out of the Headmaster's book and enjoying being crazy," she said with a grin. Walking to the front of the class, she raised her voice. "I thought we might study elemental creatures today."

Harry pointed at Remus. "Why is he here, then?"

Remus smiled. "I'm here to make sure she doesn't bite you," he said impishly, shocking Harry. Stepping to the front of the class, he said, "Professor Dumbledore and Professor Pierce have invited me here to guest lecture on the topic of elementals and elemental creatures." Crossing to the chalkboard, he began to write. "Now, if you can all remember back to third year and our work with the hinkiepunks."

Neville raised his hand and Paige rolled her eyes. "Yes, Mr. Longbottom?" she asked a little too crisply, causing Remus to frown.

Turning from the board, he interrupted. "Yes, Neville, you had a question?" he asked with an encouraging smile.

"Aren't hinkiepunks found in water, sir?" Neville stammered.

"Good question, five points to Gryffindor," Remus stated. "Hinkiepunks are a basic water demon, but, like the fire pixie, they are linked to a specific element. Know the element and you…" Remus was interrupted as a wizard walked into the room, followed by a very reluctant Irish Setter.

"Come on, girl. In we go," Jack pleaded as the dog strained against it's collar and clawed at the floor.

"Jack, get in here," Paige snapped and crossed the room. She raised her hand to strike the pirate, but was interrupted by Remus.

"Jack if your… your friend doesn't want to enter the classroom, I highly recommend that you don't drag her in," Remus said sternly.

Paige lowered her hand. "Yeah, Jack!"

Jack drew himself up to his full height. "That's Captain Jack," the pirate snapped before getting pulled into the hall by the dog.

Remus rubbed his temples and returned to the chalkboard. "As I was saying, Hinkiepunks and fire pixies are tied to their individual elements…"

XXXXXXXXXX

Molly Weasley walked up to the second floor landing, picking up the random bits of clutter that always seemed to accumulate in a house containing six people. Leaning over, she picked up an empty bottle with a label of a very naughty and very nude green fairy on it.

The matron glared at the sprite as it blew her a kiss. "Sirius," Molly bellowed before stomping over to the library. She froze at the doorway as she saw a large blue handprint to the left of the door. "That had better not stain," she threatened to no one in particular as she entered the room.

On the center of one of the tables was a freshly baked blueberry pie. Molly cautiously approached it and noticed the indentation in the center of it that looked suspiciously like a handprint. "What in Merlin's name…? You really try my patience, Mr. Black," she grumbled before picking up the pie and moving towards the door.

Suddenly, Sirius jumped out from behind the door, brandishing a broom. Molly took a step back as she took in his state of undress. He was completely devoid of clothing, save for a very strategically placed tartan sock, and had painted half of his face with the blueberry pie.

Molly's eyes grew as big as saucers. "What is the meaning of this?" she stammered.

Sirius puffed out his chest. "You may take my freedom, but you may never take MY PIIIIIIIIE," he bellowed before charging forward. Molly side-stepped him, causing him to crash into the table.

She ran from the room, warding the door behind her. "Unacceptable," she growled to herself and stormed down to the kitchen.

XXXXXXXXXX

Remus and Paige sat in the DADA office in companionable silence. Well, Remus sat in silence. Paige lay strewn across her armchair bemoaning her lack of a tan.

"I mean, it's alright for you to be all pasty white, but I'm from Nevada. I'm supposed to be a golden bronze," she pouted.

Remus glanced up from the essay he was grading. "Well, you could always go back to Nevada for the afternoon," he suggested, pulling a letter from his jacket pocket.

Paige considered for a moment. "Nah, if I go back there, I'll end up working," she replied as she investigated the color shifts in the tan on her right arm.

Remus had to mask a slight whimper with a cough. "No, really. I've got the essays almost completed and you just finished the lesson plans for the next month. One afternoon won't hurt."

Paige shrugged and was interrupted by a timid knock on the door. She walked over and opened it to find Hermione standing in front of Ron and Ginny.

Ron pushed Hermione forward with a hushed, "Ask her!"

"I'm going to," she hissed back. "Professor Pierce, we found a fact in a book about werewolves."

Ginny rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. "A very stupid book, if you ask me."

"Ginny," Hermione and Ron both snapped.

Remus quietly walked up behind Paige and cleared his throat, causing the children to jump. The three Gryffindors stared in horror at the werewolf. "What, have I grown an extra head or something?" Remus asked. "Come in, you three."

Ron paled as Ginny hissed in his ear. "I told you this was a stupid idea, Ronald," she grumbled as Paige led them in the door.

"So, what's your question?" Paige asked, flopping back into her chair.

Remus sat back down at his desk and gave his students a warm smile that seemed to make them squirm a bit.

Ginny and Ron exchanged hostile glances as Hermione took a step toward Paige's desk. She cast a quick, uncomfortable glance at Remus and then quickly redirected her gaze to the floor. "On page 451 of the Ministry's Guide to Magical Beasts, there is a paragraph on werewolf mating habits and it says…"

"Do they really piss on their girlfriends' houses?" Ron blurted out, before she could finish. "I mean, that is just mental…" he broke of as Ginny elbowed him in the ribs and pointed at Remus. Hermione elbowed his other side.

Paige giggled. "They prefer to use the toilet, Ronald. Just like the rest of us."

Ginny turned to her brother. "See? I told you, Ronald!"

He opened his mouth to retort but was distracted by the howls of laughter coming from Remus.

Hermione looked aghast as he banged his fist one the desk, trying to calm himself. "Really, Professor! It was an honest academic question!"

Remus gasped. "So, Miss Granger, do you live in a gingerbread house? Ever melt in the rain?"

Hermione paled. "What?!"

Remus calmed down a bit more and gave a gentle smile to his star student. "Just because something appears in a book doesn't make it true. I mean, just because something is written down on paper, doesn't mean it's necessarily valid." As he finished speaking, a large owl came flying through the window and dropped a red envelope on the desk before flying back outside.

Ron's eyes nearly popped out of his head and his hand shook as he pointed at the note. "That's one of Mum's Howlers."

Paige looked towards the desk. "I got one of those in Romania." She crossed over to the desk and read the neat handwriting. "It's for you, Remus."

It exploded open and began screaming. "REMUS J. LUPIN! HOW DARE YOU LEAVE THAT INSUFFERABLE MAN ALONE IN THIS HOUSE?! THAT PERVERTED MANIAC HAS BEEN RUNNING THROUGH THIS HOUSE AS IF DUMBLEDORE HAS DECLARED IT TO BE BEDLAM! THAT… THAT… THAT MAN DRINKS LIKE A FISH AND IS NOW REFUSING TO PUT ON CLOTHES! I AM A RESPECTABLE WITCH, REMUS, AND I DO NOT CARE TO HAVE A MAN'S BITS WAVED AT ME! IF YOU DON'T COME BACK TO GRIMMAULD AND TAKE CARE OF SIRIUS, I WILL PUT HIM SO FAR BEYOND THE VEIL THAT HE WILL STAY THERE THIS TIME!!!"

Paige glanced, wide-eyed, at the kids and grabbed the letter out of Remus's hand. "Oh, look at the time. I have to get going… To Nevada." She flashed a maniacal grin at him before bounding out of the office.

Remus with himself, but remained silent as he watched her dash out of the room. He turned and looked at the three children gaping at him and sighed. "Well, fuck," he cursed and plopped down on the desk. "Not a word of this to Harry…" he began.

XXXXXXXXXX

Paige quietly closed the door to Grimmauld Place behind her, careful not to awaken Mrs. Black's portrait. She quickly scanned the first floor landing a discovered a large blueberry handprint on the cream-colored wall.

She walked over to it and sniffed, letting out a small giggle. "One point for originality," she murmured, eyeing the substance before continuing upstairs.

On the upstairs floor, she could vaguely hear "Scotland the Brave" being played on a vocorder and started to make her way towards it. After a few steps, she stumbled. Looking down at her feet, she saw a pie pan with a tartan sock balled up in it. Picking up the sock, she noticed it had more weight to it than it should. "Better not ask," she grumbled and stood up, dropping the sock back into the pan.

A flare glided through the hallway and she flattened herself against the wall, watching it pass. Drawing her wand, she crept down the hall. Pushing Sirius's door open with her foot, she noticed that the music had become louder. The tune changed as she walked through the door to the bedroom.

Sirius saw the door opening and changed the tune to "The Bitch is Back," by Elton John, apparently thinking it would be Molly returning.

Paige glowered at him. "Damn straight," she snapped. "Just what the hell do you think you are doing?!" She tried not to smile as she noticed he was naked.

Sirius looked up at her and blinked, as if the answer should be obvious. "Dancing," he announced, and began to hop around the room. He stopped at a small side table and thrust a small bottle in her direction. "D'ya fancy a drink, luv?"

Paige gave Sirius a coy smile and licked her lips. "Accio Absinthe," she said seductively.

He gave a hopeful smile in her direction as she caught the bottle, making her feel momentarily guilty about what she did next. Banishing the bottle, she ignored the look of dismay on his face.

Quickly, though, he shook himself out of the momentary letdown. "Oh well, I will just switch to rum," he proclaimed smugly.

Paige snorted at him. "No you won't."

Sirius tried to look composed and sat on his bed. "And why not?" he asked, crossing his legs.

"Because the rum is gone," Paige said patiently.

Sirius's jaw dropped. "Why is the rum always gone?" he asked plaintively.

"Because you drank it all, you bloody sot." she replied with an overly exaggerated British accent.

Sirius thought about that for a moment. "Oh yeah, I forgot," he finally said, trying to sound disinterested.

They spent the next few minutes staring at each other in silence, Paige trying not to smile and Sirius trying to seem more sober than he actually was.

When Remus quietly entered the room and cleared his throat, Sirius looked up at him. "Moony! I've got a song for you," he said excitedly and picked up his vocorder. He immediately started playing, "Fat Bottom Girls" by Queen.

Remus listened for a moment before letting out a small growl and banishing the vocorder. Sirius stood up and planted his hands on his hips. "That was mine," he stated indignantly.

Remus cringed at the sight of Sirius's naked body. "Put some bloody clothes on, man," he exclaimed and looked away.

Sirius grinned. "Oh for Merlin's sake, Moony," he said with a tsk. "I am merely being as nature intended me to be. I am a free wizard," he announced, raising his arms.

Paige doubled over, laughing at the exchange and Sirius pointed at her, using his hips. "See? She's happy about it!"

Remus took a step towards the door. "Sirius, please, just put something on."

"No, Moony! I am free," he shouted before spinning in a small circle. "Come, Moony! Be free with me!!" He took a step towards the werewolf.

Remus took a step back and glanced at Paige. "A little help?" he pleaded.

"Come on, Moony! Give us a hug," Sirius shouted, launching himself at his friend.

Remus just shook his head, realizing that it was pointless to try and reason with him at the moment. After stunning Sirius, he watched as his friend promptly fell to the floor, sound asleep.

Turning to Paige, who was trying desperately to catch her breath, he asked, "Did you at least deliver my letter?"

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Harry looked up from his text as Remus walked into the classroom looking more bedraggled than he had the night of Sirius's escape. The older wizard walked towards the front of the class and wiped the board clean with a wave of his hand.

"Good Afternoon class," he began. "There has been a change in lesson plans today." He looked around the class and everyone except for Hermione seemed to be happy about this announcement. "I'm afraid Professor Pierce is off on business today, so I will be going over the material with you myself. This is a very practical lesson, so some of it you will not find in your texts."

He flicked his wand at the board and the lesson was written in neat script. "HOW TO SUBDUE AN ALTERED WIZARD OR WITCH."

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Dumbledore had started to nod off at his desk when the floo connection lit up.

"Dumblydore… Dumbly… Mumbly Glumby Dumblydore," echoed throughout the room.

He startled awake. "Who's there?" he asked.

"It is I, your conscious. I have come to tell you that you are a wanker. I mean, that we are a wanker. I mean, I think you are a wanker. And as you conspicuous, I should know," the voice said.

Dumbledore got up from the desk and looked into the flames. "Sirius?"

"No, I'm Jamie. I mean, Jackie. I mean, I'm fucking a cricket so you better listen to me! You may be strong. Not as strong as a small pony, but still strong and tight… tight like a tiger or spandex on Hagrid," Sirius slurred at the headmaster.

"Sirius, have you been drinking?" Dumbledore asked, concern washing over his face.

"Nope," Sirius cried joyfully. "I still am! Look," he continued, holding up a bottle of Nanny Ogg's Very Fine Furniture Polish. "Thought I better POLISH it off before Molly sees," he said, giggling. Dumbledore stared, obviously not seeing the humor in the joke. "I said I'd better POLISH it off… Oh, come on, Dumbly, that was fucking funny!"

Dumbledore frowned at the animagus. "Sirius you should not be drinking! I told Remus to take all of the alcohol out of headquarters!"

"Oh, come on, Dumbly! I know! I will tell you a secret." Sirius motioned for the wizard to come closer. "You're a wanker!"

Dumbledore frowned. "Sirius, you will stop at once!"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Woohoo… can't take a joke, can ya, Dumbly? Don't worry, Moony can't either. Did you know that sometimes he cries at night and curses you to the third level of hell. Then he takes out this picture of Kate he drew on Harry's wall and… and… did you know that I've had oral sex?" he asked the headmaster.

"YOU WILL STOP DRINKING," Dumbledore snapped.

"Oh, big man wants me to stop drinking. Well let me tell you something, I have seen Moony in a thong so the likes of you don't scare me! I mean, I've had oral and a balrog so you can just kiss my tattooed and boney ass," Sirius crowed and left the fire.

The room fell silent for a moment before Sirius popped back in. "Oh, by the way. You are a wanker."

XXXXXXXXXX

Paige and Remus stared blankly at Dumbledore as he paced in front of his desk. "Now Remus and Paige, it is highly important that I impress upon you the significance of Sirius not drinking around the children during the winter holidays."

Remus rolled his eyes and leaned over to Paige. "Evidently, drinking during summer holidays is acceptable," he whispered.

Paige giggled and Dumbledore turned to face her. "There is nothing funny about intoxication in the presence of minors, Professor Pierce!"

"Well, there was that one time at the keg party with the garden hose… Oops, never mind," Paige stated innocently and Remus coughed to cover a chuckle.

Dumbledore glared at the two. They had been thick as thieves this week and it was beginning to wear on his nerves. "Sirius has been out of control," he snapped.

Paige glanced at the old sage. "Oh, I'd say his control has been very good."

Remus barked out a laugh , earning him a frown from Dumbledore. He gave a small cough and cleared his throat. "Sirius is well in hand," he stated as Paige burst into laughter. "I mean, his drinking is under control at the moment. There is no alcohol at Headquarters and he has promised Paige that he would contact her if the urge to drink arises."

Dumbledore opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted by a tapping at the window. Turning, he opened it, allowing a great barn owl to swoop in and deposit a letter in Paige's lap before continuing back out the window.

Author's Note: Yeah, I know, I'm a loser for leaving you guys hanging this long. Life just got incredibly hectic! Besides which, Prof's computer is a spaz and Rosi's always busy, so that pretty much leaves me to do the typing and I never found time. (Or was it Thyme I couldn't find? I forget. :p) Anyway, y'all can thank Lamminator for kicking me in the butt and getting the chapter out. Lam, I know I told you I'd have it out in a week or double your money back, so here ya go. Oh wait, you paid nothing, cool, we're all squared up, then!


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